


lately, I've been thinking

by Laeana



Series: built our house on glory (2020 podium) [15]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Boys In Love, Character Study, Declarations Of Love, Established Relationship, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Crash, Kissing, M/M, Song Lyrics, Talking, Working Out Feelings Through Fic, insecure Max, or at least trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27921349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: But if there is anything that has been taught to him, it’s that it’s often in the places where people are most comfortable that accidents happen the most.Max reflects on Romain's crash then about his relationship with Daniel in general.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Series: built our house on glory (2020 podium) [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833505
Comments: 6
Kudos: 39





	lately, I've been thinking

**Author's Note:**

> NF - Thinking

* * *

**Ayy, made me a promise, I just hope you keep it**

**I don't like to get involved with things I don't believe in**

**I don't like to hang with people I don't trust to speak with**

**If you tell me that you mean it, then I hope you mean it**

* * *

Max knows how to stay in the game. It's a simple game that his father taught him to play, so as not to be forgotten, it is better to forge a personality, he better … people will decide for themselves whether or not they buy into it.

Against a backdrop of real character, too frank, too abrupt, too insensitive, too much, too much, too much ... always the same word that comes back to him, like a boomerang.

More tired than ever.

It is constant restraint, on what passes as not being. He does work on himself looking for words further than others and he makes each of his ambitions deeper.

Several things that frighten him without daring to actually admit them. He probably should. It would be to free many of his demons, to avoid many of his problems, to keep them quiet and hope that they’ll disappear is never the best solution.

It would put an end to all those nights when he stays awake too long, Daniel by his side, curls scattered on the pillow, a halo, already in the arms of Morpheus, sometimes an arm around his waist, calm, protective, serene, while he turns and turns in bed, their bed, torn, way too torn, sometimes even gripped by the sadness of a situation he would love more of.

He would like to be more himself.

He would like not to have to keep that relationship quiet on an ongoing basis, even to their close friends, to everyone, although he is terrified of the fallout, the crooked looks, the contracts that jump and the sponsors that leave them. No matter what is said, nothing is certain before that happens.

No one has done it before them, no matter how open the world seems, it's never far from a door that’s closing - forever. 

Their careers are worth too much for them to abandon on a whim and it is almost painful not to be able to consider anything else. To stay there, arms dangling, a few inches from reaching a coveted goal.

The notion of desire and dreams …

Daniel always seems so sure, so confident. And yet the situation weighs on him. And the Aussie has always been the one of them to want to throw themselves head first, to try, to try everything. And he's still slowing it down. Maybe he deserves better than him and his insecurities and his promises to take over the world and his doubts and regrets and his past.

It's inseparable from who he is but it's also one of the reasons he can be hated. He's not supposed to be there to make friends but …

He refuses to lose Daniel, above all. He refuses to let go of everything they've been through, every little moment until today. For him, he is ready for many things. What to say, he will never be enough … 

* * *

**Yeah, feel like I don't deserve you when I hurt your feelings**

**I'm vulnerable, you got the keys to open all my secrets**

**You've always been there when I'm low to help pick up the pieces**

**I know I act like I don't need you yet, but lately, I've been thinking**

* * *

Before starting the weekend, no one makes a big mess of it. Because it's a circuit they know. It's a circuit that comes back like every year and this year they really innovated. Max almost thinks he can't be surprised anymore.

But if there is anything that has been taught to him, it’s that it’s often in the places where people are most comfortable that accidents happen the most.

There is fire.

It's a thought that makes him shiver, painfully. Images that come to mind. There is something in his throat and it's probably not what is expected of him but he doesn't even know what is expected of him. When the news are slow to come … 

He feels weird as he slips out of his car. He exchanges words short, tries to keep the speeches as short as possible, he doesn't even know if he can manage to speak correctly, to align more than three words.

He has to pull himself together, because the race is not over and almost not even started. Because it's clear he's going to go back into his car.

The accident on the screens. He blinks a little more violently than he would like, the realization hitting him. It's shocking in one fell swoop. He is not the closest to Romain, a clear point. But that a person, seen every day, exchanging topics of conversation, belonging to the same category, faces such an accident …

He could have died.

Then.

He is fine. He's alive, he's conscious. It's brutal but he got away with it.

Max is the kind of very rational person who has to think faster, faster. To focus on a job, on his job, on the race.

He closes his eyes. The thing is, he can't look at Daniel, not even offer him a look. He knows that if he does this, something inside him will crack. His emotions maybe. Because usually he's pretty good at chasing the what ifs out of his head but he knows he won't be able to stop them if he sees him and if he sees in his eyes the same trembling worry mixed with relief and concern. 

That's it. It's the sport they’re practicing, it's the risks with which they constantly live that the adrenaline hides at any time. To be too aware of it is to never get behind the wheel again and he knows it.

He knows he can lose Daniel at any time just like he can lose himself. Their times are good for security, but exceptions are not inevitable. They are not.

His hand shakes when he grabs his helmet again and he takes another deep breath to block any stray thoughts. He will race, without any harm, he will succeed in this Grand Prix. The podium is possible, mandatory, the rest is just detail.

He doesn't think about the missed night's sleep, another one, the missing contact from his boyfriend, the unanswered message almost taunting him, he doesn't know what to say, he's still running out of words, he's afraid to be left behind, he-

He still doesn't feel like he deserves Daniel.

And it's killing in the end, as a sensation.

He prefers to get lost in the race, in the feelings that inevitably fade, the noise of the engine, the steering wheel under his fingers, every little detail he can feel …

It's always easier to be there.

* * *

**To most, negative thinking makes you a pessimist, but**

**To me, negative thinking means I'm just realistic**

**That's how I feel, ain't that a twisted view?**

**Claim that I don't care what people think, but is that really true?**

* * *

Max takes off his helmet. Podium, yes. Second. Alex is at his side, he has the impression of having had his head underwater during the entire race. Just painful to do, his thoughts were only focused on what he was doing.

Now that it's over, they hit him a little hard and he tries to occupy himself with other things. He knows he can't really sit still, his mind aware of too many at the same time. 

He must not let it show. His emotions just below it. 

He drinks water, anchored in his sensations. The slightest sensation. The ground beneath his feet, the wind around … details but details that prove to him that all is well.

A tap on his shoulder and he turns around, finds Daniel by his side, helmet still on his head, but a soft look in the back of his eyes.

“Congratulations on your podium, Maxy.”

A smile lights up his face and he's sure his mask can't hide the corner of his eyes. 

“Yeah, mate, thanks.”

“Two Red Bull on the podium then ?”

He looks down for a moment, overwhelmed for just a second, maybe a second too long, by all the emotions it reminds him of. Memories. Their years together.

“Yeah. The first since …’ he waves his hand “Since us.”

“Aw, do you miss me, Max ?”

The fact that his boyfriend is messing with him is far from going unnoticed. He knows he has to avoid contact as much as possible but he would give a lot to touch him.

“Shut up !”

They exchange a knowing look. They have so much to say to each other. Because this race was not like the others, definitely not like the others and it evoked something in them.

He glances to his right. He is expected. No matter how much he wants to prolong this conversation …

“I have to go, yeah ? See you …” he looks down for a moment. “Room 18.”

Like a tacit agreement between them as they move apart, separate. They have so many words to say, to exchange, but apparently it has to wait a little longer, just a little longer.

He puts on a neutral face and walks towards his interview.

* * *

**Those the type of questions that I struggle with**

**That's the type of thing to keep me up at night**

**Wondering, I wonder if the pressure I've been under is too much on my shoulders**

**Who gon' care when this all fades, I turn grey and get older?**

**Yeah, that's the type of thing that I don't wanna answer**

**But just 'cause I don't wanna do it don't mean I don't have to**

* * *

His phone on the ground. Probably the screen shattered into pieces. A fit of anger that surely resembles him. Yet he had set some limits for himself and had been warned not to watch too much the media at the moment but he ended up doing it.

These people don't know him, they don't know who he is, what he thinks, this is ridiculous. It's ridiculous and he shouldn't be affected so much. And he doesn't need the thoughts of others anyway.

Max sighs, because, above all else, he's the one who is pathetic at the moment. 

He kneels down, tries to see the damage. He's going to need a new screen, that's right. He tries not to cut himself on the pieces all around.

He hears a knock on his door and gets up before he has finished, preferring to go open.

Daniel waits, leaning against the wall, wrapped in a sweatshirt, looking extremely comfortable, maybe a little tired. It is not however particularly cold but he knows that he shouldn’t underestimate the capacities of his boyfriend.

He lets him in quickly, closes the door behind them. The Aussie takes a few steps around the room.

“You've given in to temptation, haven't you ?”

He shakes his head, doesn't even answer those words, and grabs his phone to put it on the table. Once done, he looks up slowly, and Daniel seems to understand what he's asking of him as he puts his arms around him.

“Yeah, I know …”

They're on the edge of the bed, curled up against each other. The older man gently runs a hand through his hair.

“I don’t know what to say.” he begins, softly “I don't really want to think about it, I pushed it back. There was racing and he was okay. I don't know …”

He feels kisses being deposited along his head and then on his forehead, a little lower down, on his wet eyelids, sliding down his cheek.

Daniel keeps his forehead pressed against his.

“I was scared, Max, that's what I wanted to tell you. It's always the same train of thought at the end of the day.”

His boyfriend's eyes are shining. He knows it, he felt it. It's just a reminder of all the risks they take, of what's going to happen, what can happen, how they can end their lives.

“I'm scared too, because it could have been you. Dan …” he is frustrated that he cannot say as much as he thinks.

“I know, my love, I know.”

His breathing quickens more, he can't believe it. His feelings coming back to him … it's so strong, he hardly knows how to react to them, how to contain them.

“I'm afraid of losing you, I'm afraid I won't be enough, I've thought about so many things … I couldn't do this now. The race has to stay the race, but Dan I'm sorry, I know we should talk about it more, you deserve better, you deserve someone who wants to be out, who-”

“Max, Max, please. I don't care about any of that, the most important thing is that you're fine. I love you, you’re the only one for me, I won't go for anyone else, I won't go. We're both fine … we're alive.”

Hearing it being listed so simply makes him feel good. His senses are confused, he suffers inside, he fights against something inside him. He is surely fighting against himself, against his principles, against what has been taught to him. Him. He is his own obstacle.

Daniel kisses him gently, his hands drawing circles along his shoulders, in an attempt to soothe him.

“Why are you having such thoughts, Max ?”

He shakes his head. He can't talk about it, he doesn't want to talk about it. No matter how badly he wants help from the Aussie, he knows it won't solve anything. He is convinced of it.

“You stay with me ?” he asks, almost hesitant.

Daniel finally smiles at him, probably convinced he'll talk to him later, and begins to undress quickly.

In boxers, they slip under the covers and his boyfriend pulls him towards him in a usual gesture, to keep him there. Comforting warmth, familiar too. It was very emotional, he knows that his former teammate had a hard time too, he knows that they need each other away but when this spiral of thoughts hits him again, he knows he is going to have once again struggling to get a good night's sleep.

Because fewer and fewer people seem to like him, each of his actions is bad, he prefers to cover his ears and close his eyes, he prefers to swallow his emotions, what he feels.

What if Daniel decides he's had enough of him ? What if he decides that his character, that his way of being, is too much ? What if ...

Max is still torn, convinced that Daniel deserves better, deserves more. And it is not because he says little that he doesn’t think less. Head underwater, again, to seek his breath, destroyed by his own person.

Daniel's arms which tighten more around him, always stronger.

His thoughts seem so loud in the silence of the room.

* * *

**See, these are lessons that you learn in life**

**And we only get one of 'em, hope I'm learning right**

**I know that everything comes with a price**

**Yeah, yeah, everything comes with a price**

**Y'all got no clue what I have sacrificed and lately, I've been thinking**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i know, i'm still late. Surprising ? No, not at all.  
> I was trying to finish this work during the afternoon and the race but it kinda fucked up my focus. Like totally. And I already know on what I'll be writing before next week this time ... Lesteban of course.
> 
> This ... time I took is finally out under this form. Yeah a bit longer than usual, but still ... things, I guess. Trying to work about Max's character a bit. Talking about what happened ... to be honest, I struggled with the part of the crash, it was so hard to see, to live from afar ...  
> and NF's song are amazing, I'm still passing The Search entirely while I'm writing ... vibing. Including his song allowed me to write more and to find inspiration somehow.
> 
> Hope you liked this work, cheers, lovely readers.
> 
> tumblr : laeana


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